Monday, June 22, 2009

So, Spring 2009 Quarter is over. Supercon is over. Metrocon is over. Down time? No.

Supercon was awesome. I didn’t expect to have that much fun. It was genuinely epic, and if you haven’t already seen my facebook photo albums, you should check them out.

Cramming for finals was a bitch and a half. Somehow I only managed an A- in Survey of Media and Design. I got an A in Digital Photography with Mariani, thank goodness. I got A’s in both Principles of Communication and Game Design and Gameplay, too. Still haven’t managed to pull through on my 4.0 quarter again, but I guess I’ll just have to do the job of the masochist and “hope” again. At least I’m getting closer. Still… An A- in SURVEY? If anything, I expected it in GDGP or Photo, but no… oh well.

Metrocon was both awesome and epic fail at the same time. I did and ungodly amount of planning, dealt with an unwarranted amount of cancellations, jump-ons, jump-offs, and last-minute decisions, and still managed to pull it off. I reserved the room in my name on my card putting my own finances at risk. Finances I don’t have. I set up ground rules and lines of communication. I gave everyone everything they needed to know. And despite it all, plenty of things went wrong and plenty of people grabbed at every opportunity to break the rules, disregard the rules, ignore the rules, bring in drama, and bitch at me for being less than perfect. Out of all the people in the room, I’m the only one who expressly stated that I would prefer to sleep on a bed. I’d supposed that the fact that I’d arranged the whole thing might have helped me actually get that. I slept on the floor both nights. I got a grand total of seven hours of sleep over the course of three days. I cleaned the hotel room more often in those two days than I have cleaned my bedroom in two months. I had to repeat myself more often than I ever had to when Jasmine was 4 years old. I had more people angry at me over stupid shit that most seven-year-old’s could usually remember and pull off all by themselves. I not only did the hotel thing, I also helped out in the Artist Alley. Not one table, but two. I met up with friends from out-of-state, even if only briefly, and sadly had to miss out on a bunch of friends because of how busy/exhausted/temporarily crippled I was. I’ve got blisters on my feet that I can’t even find yet because they’re so deep. I had one blister that developed a smaller blister inside of it! It wasn’t all bad, though. Rules did get followed, some things worked out perfectly when they were actually/finally done. A bunch of people did more than they had to – to help make up for the slack others weren’t covering. The events that I got to go to were pretty awesome. The Chess Match was 50% awesome, 20% good, 20% mediocre, and 10% “Oh my god can someone PLEASE get some microphones on stage?!” I video recorded the 50% awesome parts. Some of the characters were just so incredibly well-done. I wish I could have been closer, because my glasses are really and truly shit and I couldn’t see anything most of the time I was really surprised that I got a lot less photos this year then I did at Supercon. Learned a few planning lessons, though. Mainly about the hotel. Next year, to optimize set-up, rest, and pack-up procedures, I’d really love to do the whole Thursday night through Monday morning thing. I’d also love to be at the Embassy, with the free continental breakfast. And even have the ability to eat something besides ramen at least once. That’s one hell of a dream to chase, don’t you think?

When I got home, there was even more drama because there were people at my place that I 100% did NOT expect to be there. So more plans that I made fell through. On top of that, I was told that I left a “mess” and that Niza had to clean it up before she left. Now, having spent three hours doing two weeks worth of dishes, very few of which were actually mine, and cleaning up after ten people single-handedly, and personally combing the whole apartment for left-behind items and garbage, I find that hard to believe. Then, I wanted to do dinner for the people that tried to help out. But that became impossible because, well SHIT, the sink is full AGAIN? REALLY? I WAS GONE FOR THREE DAYS AND THE SINK IS FULL AGAIN?! And of course no one will do the dishes. I’m the only one who knows how to clean up apparently. So I couldn’t cook dinner for anyone, or give anyone drinks and – OH YEAH, DRINKS! There were none of those when I got back, either. Whatever was there when I left got finished, and no one bothered to remake it. And I’m to the point where I’m going to wait for whoever dirtied the dishes to wash them, and then I’m packing them up. I’ve lived before with no dishes, and I can do it again. If I’m going to extend the hospitality of letting people use my shit, and it gets disrespected and taken advantage of and no one takes care of it, then fuck off. Either that or I’m going to break all the mother fuckers and just be done with it. The soap is almost gone anyway. Because no one knows how to close it. I can’t even count how many times I’ve told everyone to close it. I got it, it’s mine, close it. If it’s yours, go for it. I won’t bitch about it. It’s one of my pet peeves. Regardless of how illogical it is, it fucking pisses me off. It infuriates me. Close. My. Fucking. Soap. A flick of the finger, that’s all it takes. Spills are prevented, evaporation is prevented. My soap. Fucking. Lasts.

Next quarter I’ll be taking five classes and doing the suicide thing. By then David will be sold to the government, so the kamikaze workload should keep my physically starved, emotionally dead person from completely falling apart. Last time I took five classes I pulled 3 A’s and two A-‘s, so maybe I can outdo myself again. Those classes are: Image Manipulation (Mon 6-10), Computer Modeling I (Tues 8-12), Maquette Construction (Tues 12-4), Previsualization and Storyboarding (Tues 6-10), and Anatomy and Physiology (Thurs 6-10). I’m expecting this upcoming quarter to be very similar to my Animal Anatomy/Drawing and Perspective/Clothed Figure Drawing/Creative Writing/Psychology quarter. AKA: Insane. Summer 09, here I come.

On the abysmal job front, there are no prospects. I’ve gone to career services, I’ve checked out the scouted jobs, specifically targeted for their availability to students at AI, and there is nothing I can do or get. My commissions died, more or less. I didn’t get any commissions from Metro other than the one that was actually set up before hand. Payment was just made at Metro, that’s all. The $50 lolita commission still hasn’t pulled through that I’m aware of (though I still haven’t checked the mail since late last week). Columbia House also seems to have fucked me over right when I canceled my membership. They sent me a video that I never ordered, charged me for it, and when I called to correct it, they told me that I had to wait until it arrived, then send it back to receive a refund. Well, it arrived. I sent it back. That was almost three weeks ago. I should have known that if Metrocon didn’t blow up in my face, something else would have.

My mom in NY has been a true miracle, though, because she heard through the grapevine that I was having difficulty getting food lately. She sent me a Walmart gift card that I plan on making last a couple months. She also sent me a Nintendo DS and three games. I cried when I opened it. It’s sad how she’s supporting me more than my own father, who lives less than an hour away, claims me on his taxes, and collects food stamps with my name listed. Funny how I’m his “dependent” and I haven’t had so much as a phone call from him or Jeanine in months.

I’m going to Illinois in a week. David couldn’t make it down. Again. So I’m going up there. Again. And I’m seeing his family. Again. And he’s going to keep on going without knowing more than a single member of my family. Again. And then I’m going to wait an indeterminate amount of time to see him. Again. And I’ll contemplate suicide and other useless things. Again. And I’ll slip into a new depth and darkness of loneliness and depression. Again. And it’ll keep going on, again and again and again. I’ve caved in already, and I refuse to see him again until I don’t have to say goodbye any more. This is the last time. I’m not bending my will this time, and I’m not compromising after this. I’m done with salvaging what I can. I’m not settling for less any more. I’m tired of sacrificing for a goal that isn’t getting achieved.

On that note, I’m spending the holidays in Tampa this year. Maybe in six months I’ll get that alone time that I feel like I’ve desperately been needing lately. Also, Aries is the worst sign to be in my situation. Except for Scorpio, which is part of my situation anyway. Try breathing with no air. Try bleeding with no blood. Try crying with no tears. It’s painful, infuriating, and depressing. It’s crushing. Mind-numbing. It’s a necessary addiction with no fix in sight.

Set up this thing about AFO. It’s not going to work out, but it made me focus on other shit and get less sad/angr/depressed/lonely/emo/crying.

And I still haven’t finished unpacking from Metro. See you when I see you.